The whole twenty two yards

They say cricket is a religion in India. If so, I become a non-Cricketarian [assuming thats what I can call its followers]. Not that I hate the game; its just too slow and boring in comparison to other field games. Im also bad at keeping a track on great players and big knocks [what you thinking, pervert?] but there are some incidents that I'll always remember. Here are some of them:


Inzamam, a bear of a man and murderer of the cricket ball, is known for English that would confuse even third-world countries. Though there are so many post-match speeches I would like to include here, this is one that will give you a fair idea.

Rameez: So Inzy, disappointed with your performance today?

Inzy: Bismillah-e-rehman-e-rahim. Thank you Allah.Ya, the Indian batsman is play very good today. We is try very hard but is not win the game.

Rameez: Any words for Dhoni?

Inzy: Ya, Dhoni is play very well. He is hit his shot very hard in our gaps. In start, we is protect our gaps very well. The grass is also thick.. But Dhoni is split our gaps with his bat (ouch!).

Rameez: Another ordinary bowling performance?

Inzy: Ya our balls is loose (Doc, help!). The bowler is went for many run. Asif is bowled well. Also, after some shots the ball is out of shape. Umpire is not give another ball.. it is tough to play with one ball.

Rameez: Dropped catches....did that prove costly?

Inzy: Yaaa, the ball is not stick to our hands. We is practice a lot sticking our bat in our hands.... but now we is more practice sticking balls in our hands.

Rameez: Any plans for the next match?

Inzy: Ya, India is on top but we is try to bounce on our back. Insha Allah we is play better.

Rameez: All the best Inzy.

Inzy: Thank is you.


All India Radio is the only source of live commentary ever since our TV suffered a massive heart attack. Most say the only drawback was that AIR didnt have sound-proof commentary boxes. I disagree - it was total entertainment. But it caused quite a lot of disturbance, and suspense for the listener, when a wicket was taken or when someone blasted the ball into orbit. Heres an example:

Commentator: This will be the last over before tea. Tendulkar is on strike and it looks like McGrath will be finishing off this session. This is a quicker delivery and ...... [noise] ...... Tendulkar ...... [noise] ...... hit hard in the middle ...... gone down (I thought he had had it) ...... [noise] ...... [more noise] ...... and its a six!! ......[deafening noise].

Its very confusing, you will agree. How can one be sure what has happened during those noisy gaps? Its true, half the truth is more dangerous.


Then there was Venkatapathy 'Muscles' Raju. According to me, quite forgettable a cricketer. Maybe its because I saw him just once on TV at a friends place; 'first impression is the last impression' sort of thing. So it was surprising when Kumble called him the 'best among my contemporaries'.

Being a 'finger spinner' [rather, fingered spinner], he constantly rubbed the ball with his spittle, sweat or who-knows-which-body-fluid for better grip. He then studied the outfield [half a minute wasted] and changed it to suit the delivery [another half a minute], pulled up his sleeve [thats how he got the nick-name], ran towards the crease [or something that looked like it], considered the right amount of flight and trajectory [as Laxman Sivaramakrishnan says], and then bowled a wide.


Navjot Sidhu's commentary is something one better not get into. It was anything but. Though entertaining, he was a negative embassador of the Indian sense of humour, if there is such a thing. Fortunately, he wasnt fined a part of his commentating fee for criminal use of English idioms, similes and one-liners.


But this sport undoubtedly has a magnetic pull on the average Indian. It continues to draw the attention of even poverty-stricken, gulli children. One day, I may understand why.